I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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