Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
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