oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize