The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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