3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize