Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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