me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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