It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
