so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
