I just cut my nipple shaving
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Randomize
