I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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