In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
