she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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