don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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