Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
