She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
