omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
