There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
