i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
