Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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