1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
