i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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