Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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