Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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