My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
