We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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