so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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