Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
