You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
