I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
