the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
