Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
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