Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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