No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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