can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
