I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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