I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
