apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
