is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
