I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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