I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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