I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i love accidental penises.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
