He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
