Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She even gives head with a lisp.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
