If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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