I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
