if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
