Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
