the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
love makes seman taste better
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
