Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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