The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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