im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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