I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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