I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
