I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
