peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
