You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
