I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
