Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
