lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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