I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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