Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
