My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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