i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
