My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
