there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
